Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Journey. Not the Destination.

Over a year has passed since I last wrote an entry for this blog. Why even write now? I feel ready to communicate the overwhelming experience of the past year.

I will not go into all the details of all that has happened in the program and life in Boulder. It is all too much to write about in detail at this time. What compels me to write are my reflections of what I am learning here on a personal level.

I am learning how to let go and embrace deeper aspects of myself. I often times complain about the challenge of being isolated or alone on this journey. I know that is not a complete assessment of my life here. I do have a good friend in Jim who now lives in a fabulous flat in Denver. And I have a sense of a small community. And of course all my friends and family in California. But, the doing of this journey on the day-to-day level is on me. Other than Salom, there is no one to come home to and provide warmth and affection.

I realize my life in Boulder provides me with an opportunity to let my hair down a bit more than I do in San Francisco. I guess my narcissism comes out in San Francisco because I am seen walking around that City. Gay men are everywhere in SF and being considered attractive is of value in that social context. And I won't deny a thrill when I am cruised by a handsome fellow. Here in Boulder, however, I feel non-existent on the attraction level. The act of cruising doesn't happen here and men are not looking at men. I have tempered my frustration with being outside of the SF bubble. I realize by giving up the need to be seen all the time has allowed me space in my life to let go a little. Relax. Be messy. And enjoy a little anonymity.

The pace of life in Boulder coupled with my lack of funds also plays a part in my new discoveries of myself. What do I do with myself when I can't immediately do something that would cost money? I read. I rehearse. I sleep. I yearn. I dream. I fall apart. I put myself together again. I try to stay on task. I try to let myself relax. I cook dinners. I borrow DVDs from the library. I experience privilege in the simple things I have in my life. I pet Salom. I wish for more abundant times. I try to stay present.

I have also recently experienced some incredibly hurtful rejections and good-byes from people in my life. Dating in Colorado has been miserable. I met someone in the Fall who I felt great attraction for and we seemed to have chemistry and connection, but alas circumstances denied the potential unfolding and inappropriate modern communication obliterated understanding. I hate text messages for anything beyond confirmations of arrival times. And my very good friend from San Francisco decided after 11 years of friendship to discard me. A few other hurtful rejections have happened via inappropriate means as well. I am trying to leave all of these in the past and in 2010. They inform how I move forward and trust people. I know, however, life comes with no guarantees and it is important to still try to connect despite the past hurts. I try to stay open, but I am also thinking being with myself right now may be a good step in healing.

Artistically I am experiencing a very special time. I have time and space to rehearse in the day. And consistently every day if I choose. What a luxury. It is incredible to be in the studio and allow my ideas the process to unfold and experiment. I soon will be bringing other performers into the process and am excited to cross dialogue and collaborate with others. But at the beginning it has been centering to work alone for a while. To listen to myself and understand what is coming forth without judgment.

In many ways I realize my time in Boulder is about dying and birthing. Letting an old me die so that a new me can be born. And all the little deaths that happen because this current life needs to be alive, but maybe resurrections will happen once this time period is over. And maybe somethings will be left behind and allowed to rest in peace. I love it all and let it all go.

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