Saturday, January 22, 2011

Creating

I have been inspired by great rehearsals this week. Not only have I been enjoying rehearsals with myself to play with my ideas in the studio and explore, but I had great company join me in the creation process.

I had my first rehearsal with Charlie Kilgore this Thursday after showing him and my teacher Leeny material I had created and the world I am constructing for this new work. I worked with Charlie for the first time when he was a BFA in the Fall of 09 when we were both in The Laramie Project: Epilogue stage reading. More significantly, Charlie and I became quite intimate with each other in the rehearsal process for Aleh, the Butoh show I did last Spring in Denver. Charlie was my base for a very challenging, provocative, and beautiful section where I rolled all over his mostly naked body with my mostly naked body. We were wearing Fudoshi's to cover the privatest of parts. I think not only a physical bond was established from that work, but also a sense of artistic trust with each other. Charlie's support, investment, and insights have been very helpful in giving me deeper understanding of the emerging world.

This afternoon I had not only two hours of rehearsal with Charlie, but then an additional two hours with Charlie, Gustine, and Peter. My full cast. I was amazed how organically the process began. Although I know Gustine and Peter from a workshop I gave in the Fall and have seen them perform in a Viewpoints presentation and talked in the hallways, I have not worked with them extensively. Gus and Peter are both first year MFAs. Charlie was unknown to both Gus and Peter. After a quick introduction, the warm-up quickly turned into an improvised exploration of space, movement, connection, and relationship. Instead of seeking more discussion about the approach to the rehearsal I could see that the rehearsal process had begun. All four of us continued this physical exploration of space with two pieces of music and ending with some recorded spoken text. I think despite the newness of the interpersonal dynamics we all have a shared understanding of theatre/performance exploration from being students at Naropa. I guess a true sign of the basis of shared background to support exploration.

5

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Journey. Not the Destination.


Over a year has passed since I last wrote an entry for this blog. Why even write now? I feel ready to communicate the overwhelming experience of the past year.

I will not go into all the details of all that has happened in the program and life in Boulder. It is all too much to write about in detail at this time. What compels me to write are my reflections of what I am learning here on a personal level.

I am learning how to let go and embrace deeper aspects of myself. I often times complain about the challenge of being isolated or alone on this journey. I know that is not a complete assessment of my life here. I do have a good friend in Jim who now lives in a fabulous flat in Denver. And I have a sense of a small community. And of course all my friends and family in California. But, the doing of this journey on the day-to-day level is on me. Other than Salom, there is no one to come home to and provide warmth and affection.

I realize my life in Boulder provides me with an opportunity to let my hair down a bit more than I do in San Francisco. I guess my narcissism comes out in San Francisco because I am seen walking around that City. Gay men are everywhere in SF and being considered attractive is of value in that social context. And I won't deny a thrill when I am cruised by a handsome fellow. Here in Boulder, however, I feel non-existent on the attraction level. The act of cruising doesn't happen here and men are not looking at men. I have tempered my frustration with being outside of the SF bubble. I realize by giving up the need to be seen all the time has allowed me space in my life to let go a little. Relax. Be messy. And enjoy a little anonymity.

The pace of life in Boulder coupled with my lack of funds also plays a part in my new discoveries of myself. What do I do with myself when I can't immediately do something that would cost money? I read. I rehearse. I sleep. I yearn. I dream. I fall apart. I put myself together again. I try to stay on task. I try to let myself relax. I cook dinners. I borrow DVDs from the library. I experience privilege in the simple things I have in my life. I pet Salom. I wish for more abundant times. I try to stay present.

I have also recently experienced some incredibly hurtful rejections and good-byes from people in my life. Dating in Colorado has been miserable. I met someone in the Fall who I felt great attraction for and we seemed to have chemistry and connection, but alas circumstances denied the potential unfolding and inappropriate modern communication obliterated understanding. I hate text messages for anything beyond confirmations of arrival times. And my very good friend from San Francisco decided after 11 years of friendship to discard me. A few other hurtful rejections have happened via inappropriate means as well. I am trying to leave all of these in the past and in 2010. They inform how I move forward and trust people. I know, however, life comes with no guarantees and it is important to still try to connect despite the past hurts. I try to stay open, but I am also thinking being with myself right now may be a good step in healing.

Artistically I am experiencing a very special time. I have time and space to rehearse in the day. And consistently every day if I choose. What a luxury. It is incredible to be in the studio and allow my ideas the process to unfold and experiment. I soon will be bringing other performers into the process and am excited to cross dialogue and collaborate with others. But at the beginning it has been centering to work alone for a while. To listen to myself and understand what is coming forth without judgment.

In many ways I realize my time in Boulder is about dying and birthing. Letting an old me die so that a new me can be born. And all the little deaths that happen because this current life needs to be alive, but maybe resurrections will happen once this time period is over. And maybe somethings will be left behind and allowed to rest in peace. I love it all and let it all go.