Birthing

This Sunday will mark my first encounter with Boulder two years ago. Two years ago I came to Boulder to visit Naropa and understand the place where I would study. And, now, basically one month left of graduate school. I am excited to get to the finish line, but will still try to practice mindfulness to enjoy the remaining days, rehearsals, and lessons.

Rehearsals during the month of February were incredibly productive and unifying. We created a lot of material and by the last full rehearsal at the end of February we sequenced together a number of moments to witness some understanding of an arc to the work. I was very impressed and excited when after presenting some of the work in a Work-In-Progress showing for faculty and classmates, we received very heartfelt responses to the work and the aesthetic. It was also reflected that we have a good dynamic of ensemble occurring. This I highly agree with and enjoy! My cast has been amazing.

Over the first three weeks of March two of my cast members were unavailable due to their class assignments in Moment Work with a member of Tectonic Theatre Project. I was able to go into the studio and keep crafting my character and to work with Charlie to anchor his character and our connection. But, it is hard to fully investigate the work without the other two cast members. I have also been doing a lot of reading and coming up with some great dramaturgy for the piece. This week I was able to have a day of rehearsal with one of the missing cast members and we steeped ourselves in the intellectual concepts I have been researching for her character and its contributions to the intentions of the show. I also had a wonderful three hour session with my teacher Leeny Sack discussing concepts and script elements. I feel truly blessed to be working in this environment.

Recently I was notified that I was selected to present a performance piece at the This Is What I Want festival during the Queer Arts Festival in San Francisco at the end of June. I am excited to create the piece and present it as part of a homecoming. This week of Spring Break provided some time to conceptualize the piece while I also worked on my thesis. But I know that as the thesis ramps up over the next month, I will have to put the June show on the back burner until after April 23rd and 24th.

Life in Boulder outside of school activities is boring. I miss my friends, family, and favorite spots in San Francisco. Being a poor graduate student the highlight for me is every so often going to a coffee shop. I'm getting drained from this solitary life and the minimal opportunities to meet people. And I guess I should be honest, meet gay people or gay friendly people, or feel a greater sense of openness to difference. Perhaps I have a limited view of this area, but I just haven't really felt an honest openness to difference as I do in San Francisco. And it gets exhausting to reach out when I feel suspect on some level here. I don't fall into all the norms that surround me.

In all the personal challenges and internal investigations I reflect on a wonderful book I read for my Hindu Traditions class at Pacifica. In A River Sutra by Geta Mehta I remembered at the end the reflections of the ascetic in response to the main character's confusion about his secular life in later years:

"I have no great truths to share, my friend," he said patiently. "I told you, I am only a man."
I could not believe my ears. "Was it worth so much pain to discover something so obvious?"
Professor Shankar remained silent, and again his silence infuriated me.
"Is this your enlightenment? Is this why you endured all those penances?"
He gave me an ironic smile. "Don't you know the soul must travel through eighty-four thousand births in order to become a man?"
He turned and I almost didn't hear him add, "Only then can it reenter the world."

I wouldn't say I've gone through the entire eighty-four thousand at Naropa. But I think the trials here add to the many other trials I have said Yes to in my past. I think at this stage I am ready to reenter the world with my soul as it has been formed by Pacifica and Naropa. I hope I can show my worth as a man of soul as I go forward. Something else that strikes me as pertinent to that bit of text is the Professor's silence. In many ways, how can you really enlighten someone who has not gone on the journey themselves to the importance and change that occurs within the penances of spiritual engagement? The discovery may be obvious in its conclusion, but its discovery is made that much richer by the process preceding it's revelation.

Artemis

Rehearsals continue to go well. I have not had a full cast rehearsal since Saturday, January 22, but have had rehearsals with myself, or with Charlie, or with Peter, and today with both Charlie and Gustine. The work is showing itself and I am loving how everyone is showing up to the material and engaging with the process. I feel very strong about the outline of the sections being crafted and will save the investigation of each section for later rehearsals when a strong foundation for the work is established.

On the personal side, I am understanding my relationship to the Goddess Artemis. I remember telling Nol, my previous roommate in San Francisco, before leaving for Boulder that I felt I was being called by Artemis. Artemis in ancient Greek mythology is the Goddess of the hunt and nature. She is a virginal Goddess. In the various mythological readings I have done I was struck by the metaphor of virginity as a being-in-oneself. And Artemis being a huntress is adamant about her virginity. She protects it with strength and self-awareness.

On the nature side, of course Boulder represents a connection to nature. I have definitely received this gift of Artemis and been immersed in the natural beauty of Colorado. On the virginity side, I know I can't claim that one completely, but a spiritual chastity is happening here.

I have tried dating here and every time it seems complicated with repression, depression, messy boundaries, and denial. One thing I have definitely learned is that I think every queer person should experience the freedom of self-expression and community in a large city like San Francisco or New York. I feel that a lot of gay men I have met here have never experienced a liberated sense of self-expression and strength in numbers. I am glad I have had the opportunity to witness this restrained environment and to bring my confidence in expressing to this world. I cannot live long term in this type of environment.

I have struggled to be in relationship with someone here and finally understand why it hasn't worked, beyond the repression. This time is about me on a deep spiritual level of growth. Not only is the program steeped in psycho-somatic shifting and development, but the personal investigations I am able to do are integral to my time here. Duh!

I will offer the following quotes on Artemis from my past teacher from Pacifica, Ginette Paris' book Pagan Meditations:

"Contrary to the values symbolized by Aphrodite, who relates and unites creatures through sexuality, Artemis personifies a force which urges us to withdraw form human relationships and to seek elsewhere, in solitude, another kind of self-realization."

"Every woman and every man, saturated with relationships and contacts, finds that the presence of others hinders one's presence to oneself and is attracted by the asceticism, simplicity, and naturalness that characterize Artemis. Then solitude appears as one of the ways of entering into her world."

"...it is prudent, in speaking positively of solitude, to distinguish between that solitude which is chosen and desired from that which is involuntary and experienced painfully as a privation in no way agreeable or creative."

"Isolation experienced as a void is the opposite of that solitude which brings intense self-presence."

Artemis isn't easy to be with alone. She demands a lot of insight, slowness, and surrendering. But her gifts, when I can enjoy the peace within myself, allow for a deep sense of knowing myself. A deep sense of trusting myself. And also for an enjoyment of my life. Instead of being angry that others cannot fulfill my needs I learn that I can fulfill my needs or my needs really are not necessary or important at the present moment. My needs are either essential and self-fulfilling or inconsequential and merely a means of distraction from my true sense of presence in the now.

And these are hard words to accept when the snow continues to fall and I am recovering from -13 degree weather this week. I try to ignore the Bay Area's weather reports and my jealousy that strikes out as anger at myself for coming on this journey. At those times Artemis gives me that reproachful look and I know I need to stop, breathe, and enjoy the solitude of my little apartment. It's not a party life for me here. And there is comfort in that knowledge. I can let go. Eat a humble meal. Read. And enjoy sleep. I have spent much time in Aphrodite's presence and received many gifts and many hurts from her flagrant ways in San Francisco. But, now I am in Artemis' care and in listening to her I hear myself. I hear my true nature speak softly in the falling snow.

Creating

I have been inspired by great rehearsals this week. Not only have I been enjoying rehearsals with myself to play with my ideas in the studio and explore, but I had great company join me in the creation process.

I had my first rehearsal with Charlie Kilgore this Thursday after showing him and my teacher Leeny material I had created and the world I am constructing for this new work. I worked with Charlie for the first time when he was a BFA in the Fall of 09 when we were both in The Laramie Project: Epilogue stage reading. More significantly, Charlie and I became quite intimate with each other in the rehearsal process for Aleh, the Butoh show I did last Spring in Denver. Charlie was my base for a very challenging, provocative, and beautiful section where I rolled all over his mostly naked body with my mostly naked body. We were wearing Fudoshi's to cover the privatest of parts. I think not only a physical bond was established from that work, but also a sense of artistic trust with each other. Charlie's support, investment, and insights have been very helpful in giving me deeper understanding of the emerging world.

This afternoon I had not only two hours of rehearsal with Charlie, but then an additional two hours with Charlie, Gustine, and Peter. My full cast. I was amazed how organically the process began. Although I know Gustine and Peter from a workshop I gave in the Fall and have seen them perform in a Viewpoints presentation and talked in the hallways, I have not worked with them extensively. Gus and Peter are both first year MFAs. Charlie was unknown to both Gus and Peter. After a quick introduction, the warm-up quickly turned into an improvised exploration of space, movement, connection, and relationship. Instead of seeking more discussion about the approach to the rehearsal I could see that the rehearsal process had begun. All four of us continued this physical exploration of space with two pieces of music and ending with some recorded spoken text. I think despite the newness of the interpersonal dynamics we all have a shared understanding of theatre/performance exploration from being students at Naropa. I guess a true sign of the basis of shared background to support exploration.

5

The Journey. Not the Destination.

Over a year has passed since I last wrote an entry for this blog. Why even write now? I feel ready to communicate the overwhelming experience of the past year.

I will not go into all the details of all that has happened in the program and life in Boulder. It is all too much to write about in detail at this time. What compels me to write are my reflections of what I am learning here on a personal level.

I am learning how to let go and embrace deeper aspects of myself. I often times complain about the challenge of being isolated or alone on this journey. I know that is not a complete assessment of my life here. I do have a good friend in Jim who now lives in a fabulous flat in Denver. And I have a sense of a small community. And of course all my friends and family in California. But, the doing of this journey on the day-to-day level is on me. Other than Salom, there is no one to come home to and provide warmth and affection.

I realize my life in Boulder provides me with an opportunity to let my hair down a bit more than I do in San Francisco. I guess my narcissism comes out in San Francisco because I am seen walking around that City. Gay men are everywhere in SF and being considered attractive is of value in that social context. And I won't deny a thrill when I am cruised by a handsome fellow. Here in Boulder, however, I feel non-existent on the attraction level. The act of cruising doesn't happen here and men are not looking at men. I have tempered my frustration with being outside of the SF bubble. I realize by giving up the need to be seen all the time has allowed me space in my life to let go a little. Relax. Be messy. And enjoy a little anonymity.

The pace of life in Boulder coupled with my lack of funds also plays a part in my new discoveries of myself. What do I do with myself when I can't immediately do something that would cost money? I read. I rehearse. I sleep. I yearn. I dream. I fall apart. I put myself together again. I try to stay on task. I try to let myself relax. I cook dinners. I borrow DVDs from the library. I experience privilege in the simple things I have in my life. I pet Salom. I wish for more abundant times. I try to stay present.

I have also recently experienced some incredibly hurtful rejections and good-byes from people in my life. Dating in Colorado has been miserable. I met someone in the Fall who I felt great attraction for and we seemed to have chemistry and connection, but alas circumstances denied the potential unfolding and inappropriate modern communication obliterated understanding. I hate text messages for anything beyond confirmations of arrival times. And my very good friend from San Francisco decided after 11 years of friendship to discard me. A few other hurtful rejections have happened via inappropriate means as well. I am trying to leave all of these in the past and in 2010. They inform how I move forward and trust people. I know, however, life comes with no guarantees and it is important to still try to connect despite the past hurts. I try to stay open, but I am also thinking being with myself right now may be a good step in healing.

Artistically I am experiencing a very special time. I have time and space to rehearse in the day. And consistently every day if I choose. What a luxury. It is incredible to be in the studio and allow my ideas the process to unfold and experiment. I soon will be bringing other performers into the process and am excited to cross dialogue and collaborate with others. But at the beginning it has been centering to work alone for a while. To listen to myself and understand what is coming forth without judgment.

In many ways I realize my time in Boulder is about dying and birthing. Letting an old me die so that a new me can be born. And all the little deaths that happen because this current life needs to be alive, but maybe resurrections will happen once this time period is over. And maybe somethings will be left behind and allowed to rest in peace. I love it all and let it all go.